Wow, attention seeking blog title!
Decided to blog this after my usual Sunday enlightment. Hey, I got people who listen to my preaching you know? Because it makes her laugh. So, I email some chicken soupy tales for my friend whenever I 'hear' God. Hey, it is not like 'I see dead people' type of supernatural thing la. Since I am writing to one, I may as well blog this.
My imaginative mind can makes the most mundane Sunday service into something enlightening because I got a lot of empty space in my head mah. And I do look forward to each Sunday. It is a luxury to me to be able to spend 1 hour doing absolutely nothing but listening to my heart, search my own conscience, absorb the beautiful meaning of being one.
Things have been shitty recently and I am beginning to doubt whether I am the problem maker. Or even worse, I had been a door mat all the time. People told me I make bad judgements, I don't appreciate friendship, I am quick to jump to conclusion and etc. But wait... to those dumb asses who think that I am feeling guilty, go die ok? I am not regretting anything that I had said because I just realised that I am right. I have to be shot at, bitch at, back-stab at because I am doing something that involves many, many people. If you can't fit in, it is just too bad.
Why was I hurt? Because so many people told me how nice I had been. Tell me that how they respect me, praise me and voila, within a spilt second, kick me below the belt. Good thing I got no supersensitive balls.
Read this for example :
Lillian, I want to send you a PM but can't since I have been banned. Anyway I want to say that I have wanted to PM you many times after reading your articles, blog and even post with words of praise and thanks. In fact they have even brought tears to my eyes. But well sometimes we are so quick to pour out anger and bad feelings but not the goods ones. So too late now.
I thought that all the events in the past weeks would probably bring a tear to me. But heck, I did not. I wasn't even guilty too. But something made me cry though. Something trigger off big, big tears and hingus meleleh-leleh and yikes, there isn't any leng-zhai (handsome guys) around to borrow a sleeve or collar. Nearest is the priest's robe tail or his socks but that is not an option. And vain aunties don't carry a bag of pocket tissue 'cos we baru got excuse to borrow lengzhai's sleeve/collar to lap hingus. But risking getting slap by the wifey, of course.
What touched me was this mom who was standing behind his teenage son, holding him up as he struggles to walk in the queue to receive the Body of Christ. (a wafer representing the blood and body of Jesus). The boy has some problems with his limbs and yet he hobbled with great difficulties but full of determination. (usually, the person who gives out the wafer will go personally to the elderly and disabled). I caught the mom's face and it just humbled me so much.
It wasn't just the boy or the woman. Hey, pity is not in my vocab. I admire and respect them. I feel for them. But more than that, baby Ryan and KS came into my mind. I feel so bad thinking of Ryan's future. He could never even hobble like that. I worried a lot about KS because of the burdens she had been shouldering. (and between me and KS, we had even talked about funeral preparations etc) And they aren't the only person whom I care about. I have Carol and her son J, Grace and her baby daugther with cancer, I have the bereaved moms and so many others who are hurting. They are in my heart and mind constantly. And not only moms, but the few dads who are in contact with me. Besides that, I wonder if I can be so stoic as the mom if I have Vincent with me today beause he would have been disabled too.
In that few moments, I realised that I exist not just to keep my little nest warm and neat (and pollute the blogsphere with my babbles). I exist for many other reasons. I am not sure what but I am damn sure I don't have to care a shit about all these other women. These women whom think they are the most righteous, the most sacred. They think the world revolves around them. They think the world owe them time and attention. To these women, I would want to tell them to go into a corner and contemplate. Go look into the mirror and find out why you exist. Go think what is your purpose here.
And I am so glad to get rid of all of you kutus out of my hair. Urggh... I can't stand hugs and kisses and crocodile tears from all of you. Also to those who enjoy rubbing into me that I am hurting a sister-in-Christ, go think again. I am not your sister-in-Christ because I am only a slave to God to do His will, not a sister to Jesus. I am way, way below that. I am not like you who thinks you are superior and almighty, holier than thou, than everyone else because you lable yourself as sis-in-Christ.
I believe if it is meant to be, our paths may cross and circumstances may draw us together again. Otherwise, I do not care if you rot. Because I have many things to do. And I hope you (there are many people I am referring to) will find your purpose on earth.
Back to my blog title, what I heard from God is not to turn back but to look forward to the hardship that may come in our paths. Things can be hard (but I pray my paths will be smooth) but God is with us all the time. It is just whether we dare to let the One within us rule our life; or are we too vain and draw a picture of your own version of God.
*sorry hor, I do rant a bit but I do deal with a lot of women, sometimes in very difficult situations, sensitive emotions (theirs, not mine 'cos mine is made of steel) and raw nerves (again, theirs, mine is made of cow hide)*