Thursday, March 29, 2007

Four hours

It is 7 am and I think I have only slept for four hours. It is one of those times when I wish I can scream and tell people to get out of my face but never got to do it. So, all those pent up anger accumulated into one angry dream. The kind of dream that makes you want to wake up and scream but it is life. We can't do that. We just have to live with it.

Just remain timid and ever smiling. I can't tell them to get the hell out of my earshots. I can't yell at them to at least respect my faith. Stop picking at me like their blardy reception and pass messages to buy and take what to me are useless pieces of papers. I can't tell the one close to me 'Enough already, ok? I don't care where the fook you can buy chicken and ducks at 5 am in the morning.'

Then, waking up makes me even angrier. But I suddenly remembered that we cannot always live life like how we want it. We are here to live for others. Christ did that too. He live according to His Father's will. He got spat at, trampled on and mocked at. Because that's how life is.

And I found Romans chapter 1, verse 18 and read. And I continue reading. Reading it gives me that little wicked thrill that yeah, God's way may not always make us happy. But He is the big boss and He will know what to do. Meantime, I think I will continue smiling and take it. Because there is no other way out.

Hopefully in the years to come, people will stop treating me like a receptionist. Hopefully my kids will be old enough to tell those people, 'Sorry, but my mom is not available" (to bother about your chicken and ducks). Hopefully, I will learn to be bitchy and tell it to their face that they are worshipping rocks and stones. Hopefully, I dare to tell them, have respect for my faith if you wish me to respet yours. Hopefully, God will give me an other half who is in Christ. Until then, I suppose the angry dreams will still haunt me. All the time. For four hours.

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